Saturday, April 21, 2018

Fear....


I hope you are ready for some transparency...actually, I hope I am. All 5s of you that read my blog know that I have tried to find direction for this blog and haven't quite found my niche'. Since my divorce I haven't really known where my path was.  There were so many things in my past that I loved to write about,  but life happens and those things don't quite fit anymore.  I am in a new season of life.  I am no longer a wife and although I am a still a Mom, I only have one child at home and he is walking the tight rope between boy and man while my other two live out on their own.  I am kind of in a strange, uncomfortable season of life which I can't quite explain.

One thing that I have really honed in on lately that haunts me, especially since becoming divorced, are finances.  This isn't completely new to being single, as my ex-husband and I had our times of financial struggles during our marriage.  We had great seasons of  the money being manged well and seasons of it  not  being managed well.  One of my mistakes was not learning as much about money as possible and learning to manage it consistently from day 1 of being married.  So, a terrifying part of finding yourself all of the sudden single, and having stayed home rearing children for almost 25 years, is that you are 100% responsible for managing it all....alone.  When I found myself in the position of solely managing our family, I was lost. I  had never managed anything before.  I was terrified.

In those early shock and awe days I made mistakes by trying hard to make our lives look and feel the same as they had always been.  Right or wrong, I didn't want my children to feel any different or have any additional changes if I could help it. They had lost so much already. Unfortunately, they eventually did have to feel the changes.

 I have learned a lot, I realized that I am completely and totally afraid of money.  That probably sounds silly.  I took the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University course (unfortunately taking the course and being able to put it into action can be harder than you think) and it touches on the topic of how people are afraid of money and boy, do I understand it.  I am especially fearful of not having enough.  It is paralyzing.  I think it is worse on a single person because you don't have someone to share the burden with or anyone to think things through with or just talk it out.  You are alone.  You are completely, totally responsible for managing it all.

A few year ago I was on track rather well financially. With my alimony and my income, I was on track to purchase a house for me and my children but unfortunately there was a change in my alimony which changed my income and the legal situation surrounding that took my savings for my down payment as well.  Moving on, I was still managing to do what needed to be done until about a year ago when my company restructured and laid-off over 500 people across the country, including my entire division.  I was able to find a job with benefits, but my income was cut in half....unfortunately my expenses were not, even cutting back in certain ways.  Que the extra dose of fear. Learning to adjust to that amount of money has been more than a challenge. I realize I am being very open about my life but I want to hold myself accountable. Be real.

I do have a challenge now because I make 1/2 of what I did when I started this journey.  The reason I am redirecting this blog and my world is because but I want so much more out of life...not more stuff, but more peace, more security and fewer nightmares.  I want to be away from the fear of being homeless, especially as I look to my older years.

It is time for me to figure this out and get my finances in order.  I have to do it because I can't live with the stress and fear any longer.  I am working with creditors right now and working to improve my credit score, and adjusting my life as much as possible.  One thing that has always tripped me up is lack of organization in my finances and I am working to become organized so I don't miss a thing.  Between work, school, being a Mom and life it is hard to find that time but I am trying.  I know I am smart enough to do this, I just have a lot to learn.  It is time for me to do it and do it right.  Of course, I know a lot people will be uncomfortable with my transparency on this subject, but I feel like I need to for myself and as I said earlier the accountability factor. If I can stay focused on becoming a financially savy woman it will be worth it.

I have put a time frame down and am setting goals:
  • To finish my degree to give me a greater earning opportunity.  There is a challenge here because, of course, I have to find the time to do this along with pay for it, but I feel it is necessary to give me security.
  • I also want to be in a position to help my youngest when he starts college in 2 years. He deserves that.
  • Paying back every dime that my family has helped with during the emergency times is very important to me. I can say thank you to them, but they do not know how much their support has meant when I was paralyzed by making it all work. I need to make sure they have what they need and gave to me.
  • Debt....I have to have it go away.  I never want to have debt again.  It has crippled me, tripped me and skinned my knees more times than I can count.  It has stolen so much of my life through worry, anxiety and fear.  It is time for me to stop it's power.  
  • Savings and Retirement. I am scared completely of this coming season of life and doing it alone.
I am not taking this journey completely alone.  I am looking to God for direction and peace.  I am looking to Him to guide me and show me when I miss a red flag.  I am tired of doing life alone, so I need Him.

Please join me on my journey.  Your thoughts and tips will mean more than you will ever know in helping me stay on track.  It is a journey where I am owning my mistakes.   I am going to try to add sparkle to this journey and not tears, though sometimes it feels like tears are all I have.  You will also notice I have monetized my blog to hopefully gain a little extra income, so  if you shop at Dollar Tree, Amazon, need some beautiful jewelry or clothing by Cynthia Rowley please shop through my links, every bit helps! Thank you for reading along and I hope you will stick around and share your strategies for beating the fear.


2 comments:

  1. This is sooo powerful & relatable!!! I am also terrified of money - I get that 100%!!! You are setting yourself up for success!

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  2. I totally relate to the doing it all on your own financially. It is hard and so scary. I worry about how I will save enough for retirement while still being able to have some kind of life. One thing that has helped me is sitting down to pay all my bills on Sunday that are due the next week. Setting aside one day takes the stress off of fearing I am forgetting to pay one during a week. Coupons I wouldn't be able to live without them or sales. I am trying to figure out how to go back and finish a second degree. Layoffs don't help. I am trying to recover from the last one myself. I am here for you.

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