Monday, June 19, 2017

Lost with no direction...

This morning I had to sit down and write because I feel the weight of the world on me right now from many different directions. I am struggling with my walk with Christ. I am praying but it is just is hollow. My heart broke this past week when I read about a wonderful, Godly woman who's life has publically unraveled and I felt the shadow of my past float across my path. Mostly, right now my hardest struggle is in being a Mom (and not seeming to be able to give a  Godly response and what HE wants to see from me and what my children want from me.) I also have some upcoming struggles in my job as my company moves to phase out my position (and that of 500+ others,) not to mention having gone back to college full time.  So on top of struggles and stress...I have a healthy dose of fear thrown in there for good measure.

Let me preface this with saying I am not a victim of circumstances.  That is a term I will not accept. I am just being real with my life. I am not a victim, I am hurting...there is a difference. Today I have so much to do and my body and mind just don't want to do them.  It seems my life and myself are in a battle of wills. 

I am longing for the days when I could pray and feel that reassurance and peace because, quite frankly...it has been gone for a while.  I am not asking why, I am just not asking at all.  I am struggling to trust because I KNOW in my head and although I do not question my faith one bit, my heart is not in the game. I am in no way perfect.  I don't deserve an easy ride any more than anyone else...but I am weary right now.  I am weary with this world.  I am weary with pain others are dealing with, the realities of life, ....just weary. 

I read something this morning that I want to share and I will be spending some extra time with these words trying to glean the meaning for me from them. These words were written for me, I know, but they may touch you more than any I could write so I do hope you will find something here that will make you less weary and together we can find our way back.

 These are pieces  taken from an article by Janet Perez Eckles entitled, "Ten Reasons Your Prayers are not being Answered."

"1. You’re dwelling on worry.

I was dwelling in the house of worry, I was abiding in the home of frustration and words of fear resided with me. John 15:7 “If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you."

Yes, I am dwelling on worry. It is all around me and although everyone says, everything will be OK...inside my eyes are rolling and I keep thinking "that is easy for you to say."  You aren't the one with children to take care of and an uncertain future.  I am so tired of hearing it...I would much prefer a hug.

"2. You need forgiveness… and to forgive.

I prayed, but was clueless about the prerequisite of forgiveness…or my need to forgive others. Gulp.
Mark 11:25 “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

Forgiveness has been one of the main spiritual goals of my life in this past year and I have made great progress.  I finally feel free of the weight I carried for so long...now, though, I feel the weight and need of a true, honest forgiveness from others.  I will probably never receive it (or know if it is granted) but I need freedom from my failings and shortcomings. Yes, I understand Christ paid for them already but right now...I desperately want and need to feel forgiven because I have carried this burden of being unforgiven and added to it regularly and quite honestly, I don't know if I would know how to feel without it.

"3. You’re focused on the problem, not the Solution.

Focusing on the situation often distracted me from concentrating and meditating on God’s law, on His promises and instructions. Proverbs 28:9 “If one turns away his hear from hearing the law, even his prayer is an abomination."

No kidding.  Problem is all I see.  Solution seems futile and I need God's intervention to be able to see past it.

"4. You’re wallowing in the pain.

Why do we allow bad news or painful details to drown out what Jesus says?
John 14:12-14 “Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father. Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it.”

I don't know why we allow bad news or pain to drown out what Jesus says.  I am sure that is what I have done.  I am not counting my blessings (sounds simple, hmm?) but rather hiding behind the pain.  I also hold my pain inside very tightly, it is mine...stay away.  I have to learn to let go of it.  I am tired of holding it.  I have carried pain in one for or another for so long I can't remember what it feels like not to have it safely tucked inside. Time is short in life and I do not want to continue to carry this. 

"5. You’re praying, but not believing.

It was easy to pray and pray. But believing, truly believing it was done became a struggle.
Mark 11:24 “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

Yep....I am unwavering in my faith but my belief is not there. Why am I not praying back His words to Him?

"6. You haven’t taken time to reflect to discover wrong thinking.

Reflecting on my past, the mistakes made, the selfish ways, the incorrect thinking and all the dark places my heart trudged through needed to be exposed before the Lord.
Psalm 66:18 “If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened.”

Ha!  I haven't taken the time to do my laundry much less reflect on wrong thinking and the lies Satan has sold me.  I can readily recall my mistakes but I can't recall a moment of clarity and right thinking. 

"7. You haven’t gotten quiet and listened for God.

In silent moments, reassurance that God heard me erased anxious thoughts.
1 John 5:14 “And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.”

I run from the silent moments.  That hasn't always been the case but I find myself hating those moments more than anything.  Silence means alone....alone means fear for me right now.

"8. You haven’t prayed for wisdom.

Wisdom to know what to ask for adds anxiety. But God addresses that too.
James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts are like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.”

No, I haven't.  I am a twisted up ball of anxiety and I am over looking the One who could unravel it.  I am the doubting one like a wave on the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.

"9. You’re trying to find the right words instead of letting the Spirit intercede.

In desperate times, the heart is broken, confusion reigns leaving us without words.
Romans 8:26 “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.”

Lately, actually for the first time in many, many years...I have had the desire to draw and paint.  Maybe God is looking for my prayers in a different form and all I am concentrating on is an eloquent prayer to offer to the ceiling?

10. You’re not seeking the right thing first.

Matthew 6:33 ”But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." And God did add what was missing—a new awareness of my need to seek Him first. And in the process of seeking Him first..."

This point hits me square in the eyes.  I have not been seeking the right thing first.  A couple of months ago I let myself get caught up in myself and  what I wanted. I haven't been able to find my way out...because I was seeking me not Him.

Janet Perez Eckles is an international speaker and author of four books. Her best-selling release, Simply Salsa: Dancing Without Fear at God’s Fiesta invites you to experience the simplicity of finding joy even in the midst of hardship, With engaging stories, Simply Salsa gives practical steps to overcome heartache and celebrate life once again.
 

 


2 comments:

  1. Hugs and love to you, Sweet Sister. I'll be saying special prayers for you during this season in your life.

    ReplyDelete
  2. hugs! You will find a great new job. I know it is scary I went through that 2 years ago. I am a lot happier than I was then. I have been struggling with the sale of my house and finding a great new one.

    ReplyDelete

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