Sunday, May 29, 2016
Monday, May 23, 2016
I talked a lot about transparency on my previous blog, but that is a trait I am still refining and as my life has changed so very much in the last 3 years it has taken on new meaning and relevance. I have been accused on many occasions of being fake. I know that was a term chosen for its intended blow because I tried to live as transparently as possible, while not hurting others and hiding secrets not my own. But, now, in my "new life" I can be perfectly transparent and perfectly imperfect. So maybe that isn't a bad trade?
Right now, at this very moment, I am full of joy and also sadness. I am joyful because after living in what felt like a perpetual state of being underwater, I have finally broken through the surface and am breathing again. Color is seeping back into my world. I am sad because I have missed so much allowing myself to become one of the walking wounded. I have not been the Mother I wish I could have been. Yes, I was a "good enough" Mother, providing and making sure everything was taken care of but I wish I had been more...but I am imperfect. I failed my children in so many ways and they deserved better. I deserved better. My friends and family deserved better. But...I am finished with blaming and stumbling...I am ready to walk forward and learn to dance.
For so many years I lived in a state of fear and I am finally not afraid anymore. I am seeing God work in my life and I am seeking comfort in His Word again for the first time in a long time. I am so glad that He knows me better than I know myself and He is patient, even with a particularly difficult, hard-headed child like me! :-)
Mourning has ended and the sun has come to shine again. I will face battles still, but I will survive, win or lose. I will make mistakes but I will make it...because I am stronger than we could have ever imagined.